I've been feeling so pissed off lately.
Well, people who know me would probably tell you that I have only two emotions: pissed off, and very pissed off. All right, that's actually exaggerating alot. What usually happens is I work myself up into a rage over something ridiculously small, and then when I notice how that amuses people, I just act angrier and angrier... But in reality, I don't get genuinely angry all that often.
The month and a half (roughly) right before finals was just killer for me. I had SO much going on and SO much emotional CRAP that I think I just became numb; I gritted my teeth and tucked it all away in the back of my brain. Unfortunately, the back of my brain isn't a very stable place and it can't contain that stuff forever. Now that it's Christmas break and I've just been guitaring/crocheting/painting myself silly, I've had a lot more time to THINK (fascinating concept) and to essentially relive every single thing that has happened to me this past month and a half. I begin to remember all sorts of weird and obscure things that at the time, I didn't think bothered me! And now they're driving me insane! For example: So and so made such and such comment two bloody months ago... I WANT TO DISEMBOWEL THEM! My car made a strange beep several weeks ago... BASH IT IN!!! KILL THE BASTARD!!!!
Yeah, I'm ready for school to start again.
While I'm ranting about things that chap me arse, I'd like to bring up those STUPID questions that every insists on constantly asking me or forwarding to me a billion times and completely filling up my inbox. I'm sure you've heard a few of them before, things like, "Why do we wash our towels? You use them to dry off when you get out of the shower and you're clean, so what gives?" or "Why do they sell hotdogs in packs of 10 but hotdog buns in packs of 8?" or "Why is it called a driveway when you park in it, and a parkway when you drive in it?" WELL BUTTER MY BUTTOCKS AND CALL THEM BISCUITS!!!! First of all, does anyone REALLY care?!?!?! Truly, I've better things to occupy my limited brain power with. And second of all, they ask these questions of me with these smug little smiles on their smug little faces and they think that they are oh soooooo clever, but the truth is I see RIGHT through it and it's STOOOOOPID! I mean really, look at 'em, these questions are DUMB. Do you REALLY want to know why we wash our towels?!?! It's because when you get out of the shower and DRY yourself, the water from your body is transferred to the towel and after so long, all that ranky water can get infested with airborne bacteria, resulting in it smelling like ASS! Do you seriously not know why hotdog and hotdog bun packs never match in number?! Are you that NAIVE!? It's all about money, honey!!! That means you have to buy MORE buns if you want one for every hotdog! Or why is it called a driveway and such and such... BECAUSE ENGLISH SUCKS!!! YOU'VE KNOWN THAT SINCE YOU WERE 4 YEARS OLD! IF IT PISSES YOU OFF THAT MUCH, THEN PLEASE REFRAIN FROM EVER USING IT AGAIN AND MAKE THE REST OF THE WORLD VERY HAPPY!
And that my friends, concludes Candice's uncalled for rant session...
• • • • •
I would just like to send out a large "DAMN YOU" to all you asswads who think you're so bloody superior to me.
"Well I've got a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite! You AREN'T!" -Zoolander
And now I retreat into my basement to smell some more paint. And that be all for now.
• • • • •
Well, I think it's about time for the annual Candice tradition of reflecting upon the previous year. I always whip out my old-school handwritten journals, flip through the entries of the previous year, and then laugh at how much stupidity I can cram into 365 days. So here we go.
[Disclaimer: I'm predicting this one is gonna be a boring one, folks. And I'm not really in the mood to keep trying to fix my crappy template, sooo.... yeah.]
On January 1, 2003, I wrote "Wow, it's 2003... that's SO WEIRD! Why is it so hard to get older?" And then I proceeded to write about this "massive plan" I had to something really stupid. I was beating myself up for wanting to go through with it even though I KNEEEW it was DUMB. Strangely enough, I never did go through with it.
Later in January I went through a morbid death kick. In my own defense I wrote: "No one wants to admit they think about death, or even fantasize about it. I suppose that's too morbid for polite society, or maybe they see it as the sign of a sick mind. Well, maybe. I have sick mind and I know it. We all have sick minds; people who deny it just happen to be sicker than the rest of us." Haha, you GO biotch!
And then I started getting involved with a bunch of guys who were very bad for me.
Still in January, I got drunk for the first time. (ahh, and the rest is history.)
I was mortally afraid that my Physics teacher was going to molest me.
I became obsessed with writing lots of ballads. (for some reason that link won't work when i try it... if that's so for you then go to http://fadjfaowieeeee.blogspot.com/ ... Ugh, sorry.)
My Social Justice teacher was "a real genuine bonafide jackass. He's one of those guys (with a white-man's fro) who thinks he's a real intellectual guy just because he wants to be so badly. He sadly overlooks the fact that he is quite dumb and stuck teaching midwestern high schoolers who have absolutely no respect for him (as he deserves none.) He's a 28-ish guy but he looks like he's 45, and he's a real jackass!!!" So we essentially became archnemeses after I made the "bold" and "defiant" mistake of *gasp* NOT SITTING IN THE SEAT ASSIGNED TO ME! (Excuse me, but the seat I was assigned didn't technically exist as our classroom was waaay overcrowded.) Long story short, he called me a narcissist, I called him a sadist, he said I was threatening him, I said I was merely insulting him, he told me to move back to my assigned seat, I said hell no, and I was slapped with four demerits. "Curse him!" And the enmity stretched into the rest of that school year.
I broke it off with one of those guys who was very bad for me, and then I felt really bad for a really long time about it.
I started stalking one of my [very attractive] TaeKwonDo instructors at the local SuperTarget.
I joined the trap shooting team, and my self-esteem steeply shot downward.
I wrote: "Sometimes I wonder if I'm insane. I mean truly, for real nuts. Neurotic." And the verdict is.... yes, yes you are.
"A LOT has been going on. Well, a war for one thing. I'm not sure if it's an official declared war or if its just one of those undeclared 'nuke-em' things (either way, it's equally fatal. :( ) Yesterday I started crying in the back of the van as we drove home from Texas..."
*sigh* Got involved with another guy who was very bad for me. Later, broke said guy's heart. Didn't feel so bad about it this time.
Mom had surgery (again) for cancer.
I sewed a super-sweet dress for my prom. It resembled the white one Eowyn wears in The Two Towers! Anyways, if you clicked on that link, you can see some of my peeps as well as yet another guy who was very very VERY bad for me. And we did bad things, and then never talked to each other again. Oy. And I quoted Shakespeare regarding him: "For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright,/ Who art as black as hell, as dark as night." Bitch.
Right after him, I most definitely did not learn my lesson, and got involved with another very bad guy. I filled up a whole bloody notebook about this one... lol, and I dig this quote, "He called today. It was the most boring conversation EVER. It consisted of him talking. Forever. About absolutely nothing. I wanted to scream 'SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUP!!!!' And he told me my car smells bad. That's it. He's going down."
I was diagnosed with trichotillomania (after having suffered from it in silence for 7 years. its a very misunderstood disorder, and it pisses me off how insensitive people can be about it) and got treatment and now everything is peachy.
I began college, I discovered the wonders of wearing two bras at the same time, I earned my black belt, I met a ton of cool people.
One of my TaeKwonDo instructors died of cancer.
A guy from TaeKwonDo I'd had a crush on for over a year and I started seeing each other... needless to say he was very bad for me... and I was very bad for him... And even though it's all over now, I sometimes wish it wasn't...
Had an awesome time at the TaeKwonDo tourney in Columbus. Sometimes you just need to let loose and be a hick freely. :) We chased a racoon and played corn tag, drove up and down the whole town in search of a red light so we could do a chinese fire drill, and T.P.-ed a TKD instructors truck... ahhhhh good times. :)
Tommy died. I freaked out for awhile and sunk into a weird depression.
Survived my finals. And now, here we are...
All in all, it wasn't such a great year, but it wasn't so horrible either. It was a very defining year for me... As cheesy as it sounds, I really did learn a lot. I learned to smile more, and to appreciate the things that disguise themselves as being BAD. I learned that when life gets tough, I just have to stock up on ice cream and chocolate and get tougher. I learned money isn't necesarily the most important thing ever, but I definitely should spend the little I have in a wiser manner. Looking back, I think one the more important things is that when it comes to the guy department, it's very important for me to just STAY AWAY!!!!! Fly it solo for awhile now, Candice. :)
Phew, all right...*cracking knuckles* I think I'm ready for 2004 now.
• • • • •
I got this in the email. I laughed. I cried. It moved me, Bob.
GET OUT YOUR GLUE GUNS LADIES, TIME TO CRAFT WITH MARTHA.....
What to do when change of life is done & you still have a box of pads left
over.... or way too much time on your hands.
Martha slippers - For all you Martha Stewarts out there, here's how to
make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:
You need four maxi's to make one pair.
Two of them get laid out flat for the foot part. The other two wrap
around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire,
silk flowers, etc.
Benefits of using these "Pad-About" Slippers:
1. Soft and Hygienic
2. Non-slip grip strips on the soles
3. Built in deodorant feature - Keep feet smelling fresh
4. No more bending over to mop up spills
5. Disposable, biodegradable, and environmentally safe
6. Three convenient sizes:
Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags!
The sad part is that I think I might actually try that, just for kicks.
*sigh* And now, I cast myself into the gloomy depths of Editing-My-Sucky-Blog-Template Hell.
• • • • •
*sigh* Okay, I did my best for the night. Right now I am feeling very PISSED at blogger, and very PISSED at that horrid blogger advertisement, and very PISSED at the fact that it wont move to another part of my page and very PISSED that I've been working on this for... well... longer than my attention span can usually handle. This whole world of website making is ASSININE!
I'll finish it later. Please forgive the rough edges. I need to go take a tranquilizer.
• • • • •
Alllllrighty, here I go... (sorry it took so long, my internet decided to take a crap) So uhhh... forgive the messiness....
• • • • •
I survived finals!!! [barely...]
And to celebrate, I'm giving this peice of shite a new make-over. Stand by.
• • • • •
me: Yeah so on my Philosophy test my prof wrote that I'm an intriguing creative writer but that I most definitely "should never consider a career in Philosophy"
Cathy: Oh that's so mean!
me: pfff. I'm amused by it.
Cathy: You know what though, you'll probably become like some super famous philosopher now, I bet. Because people who are always told they should never do something usually go on to do it and become really famous. You soooo should be a philosopher.
me: Uhhh... I think one of the prerequisites for that profession is that you have to have deep thoughts...
Cathy: Oh come on, you have deep thoughts. Everyone has deep thoughts.
me: Hon, my deep thought of today was when I said that studying is butt and a half... and then I realized that's like three buttcheeks...
Cathy: Okay yeah, I can see where your professor is coming from...
Well, it's back to the books for me!
• • • • •
Okay kids, I've got finals coming up. This means that if I choose not to post in a few, please understand that I am somewhere writhing in misery. *sigh*
• • • • •
Candice's Story of the Day
Right, so I left my car in the parking lot overnight (there was a huge blizzard and my mom freaked out and made my dad come pick me up from school. I tell ya, ever since her hysterectomy her hormones have been whack). So the unfathomably brilliant snowplow people decided to plow all of the snow on top of my car! With my bare hands I clawed my way through mounds of snow to the car door, obtained my windsheild scraper, and began to chisel my car out of this massive heap of snow. I quote Office Space: "Son of a... ASS!" Well, I gave up on that one and just got into my car and floored it in drive and reverse over and over until I finally plowed my way out of that parking spot from HELL!!!!!!
Speaking of hell, I just wrote a 6 page paper on how college cafeterias can be compared to Dante's depiction of Hell... mwah ha ha.
• • • • •
I adore black olives. (I saw this thing on the TV guide channel called "Olive-The Other Reindeer"... intriguing). Most of my conscious thoughts today have been concerned with the obtaining of black olives. (Oh, the joys of being a simpleton). Well, except for the murderous thought I had when I discovered the dogs had pooped on the carpet... again... But ya know, it sort of resembled a pile of black olives...
Green olives suck. My ass. And they like it.
• • • • •
I don't know why the crap the pictures on this page won't load! I thought it was only on my computer (we have a very ghetto connection here), so thanks to all you [high-maintenence] folks for alerting me to this issue. Maybe I'll dislodge my thumb from up my ass and do something about it. Later.
Speaking of which, how the crap do you get this bloody thing to frickin archive?! *Does a jedi Force-wave to her blog in a very persuasive manner* You will archive! Archive dammit!
Anyways. Yesterday I had typed up a supremely brilliant entry, but due to the fact that MY LIFE SUCKS it decided to not post. Okay okay, my life doesn't really suck, I'm just in a pretty pissy mood right now. Ugh. So. I'm sure I had a point to all this... I don't know. I've been in such a slump lately. This housesitting thing is really chapping my ass, plus my car wouldn't start on the day I had to go to a funeral (which isn't a bowl of cherries to begin with). Plus I'm super behind in all my schoolwork.... ugggghhhhhhh... I just want to sleep and for once not smell like dog ass...
• • • • •
Seriously, there is something very very disturbingly wrong with me. I just exude these pheromones that attract these LITTLE BOYS! Very frusterating. First it was the 15 year old. Then this 13 year old seriously wouldn't stop hitting on me. It would be flattering I suppose if he came up past my belt line. UGH! And then yesterday, I swear, this must've broken some sort of record: A NINE YEAR OLD! Bloody hell. I mean, I know I'm slightly immature but this is riduclous...
So, for these next two weeks I am housesitting for one of my TaeKwonDo instructors. I'm only getting 100 smackaroos out of the deal, and most of that will probably go towards gas. [If there is a bright center of the universe, they are the point farthest from] It's a nice house... jacuzzi, hot water in the showers, toilets that don't smell like ass... all the luxuries quite absent from dorm life. The catch would be the dogs [read: demon dogs from hell]. They are huge, they are smelly, they are not potty trained...
I'm going insane!!!
• • • • •
Announcement: I shaved my legs!
• • • • •
ALL RIGHT ALL YOU MALES OUT THERE!!* You can't get yourself a date? Do girls run screaming in horror when they smell you coming? Well the obvious solution to this problem is to wear tights [see previous entry] or in extreme cases really really tight jeans will suffice. However, I do realize that some of you would like to preserve this silly little miniscule thing you all have called your EGOS (which in all actuality usually aren't all that little or miniscule) and so I have a less preferable alternate, but an alternate nonetheless. Read on, desperate Y chromosome, read on.
My friend's mom works with this guy who, wonder of wonders, happens to be the same age as my friend. Here is a blow-by-blow account of how he managed to win the prestigious Most Incredibly Cutest Hottest Guy Ever Who All Girl Swoon Over Even Though He Doesn't Wear Tights (Or In Extreme Cases Really Really Tight Jeans) Award [abbreviated: MICHGEWAGSOETHDWTOIECRRTJ]
MICHGEWAGSOETHDWTOIECRRTJ: Hey, can you do me a favor?
My Friend: Sure, what?
MICHGEWAGSOETHDWTOIECRRTJ: Can you ask your mom to bring me back a surprise from her trip?
My Friend: Okay, what do you want?
MICHGEWAGSOETHDWTOIECRRTJ: I want you.
And the thing is, he said it so SINCERELY!! Like, not all gross and "I want you... to take your pants off", but just "I want you."... AHHH!!!
I'm sure it loses something when typed as opposed to when I hear the account of it from my squealing friend over the phone... :D hehe! BUT SEE YOU GUYS!? THIS is how you need to treat a lady. While I'm flattered by the suggestions to have sex by random strangers, I think this guy's approach would go over MUCH better.
All in all, my friend can still have him. I'm still holding out for the guy who will talk to me like that AND wear tights AND play sweet songs on the guitar for me AND will speak with some sort of sexy foreign accent AND who will write poetry AND who will have man stubble AND who has very nice abs AND who does TaeKwonDo AND who...**
*Yes, I fully realize that in all probability, there is in fact only one male who ever reads my blog. (Hi Paul!) Some people have coined this interesting phenomenon with the term "reality". But my friend, I happen to reject this theory of "reality" and prefer to believe that I have a horde of fans who are just so overwhelmed by my overwhelming GREATNESS that they never comment.
**Yes, I fully realize that in all probability this ideal male does not exist. Shut up.
• • • • •
"LaFou I'm afraid I've been thinking..."
"A dangerous pastime..."
Disney's mutilation of Beauty and the Beast
So I was just thinking, maybe it won't be so bad when the super extreme feminists take over the world. Cuz you know how fashions go through cycles? Well, my bet is that the feminists will make all men go prancing around in tights again, just like in the Elizabethan days! Booyah, I'm all for that. I think this fashion is a bit overdue for a comeback. I suppose I'd settle for a mandate merely requiring them to wear really really tight jeans (with big belt buckles!) but I'm totally psyched about the tights.
I suppose this idea of mine was somewhat inspired and spawned by the movie Elf. Tres funny, I laughed me arse off.
• • • • •
Just one of those frickin' days...
I have a frickin paper cut. *pouts* This does not make typing, playing guitar, or picking my nose very fun anymore. FRICK!
A humbling experience: I dropped some of my friends off at the airport today. First of all, how the hell do they know how to get to the Omaha airport when I don't, and I am from Omaha!??!?! HUH?!?!?! FRICK! To make matters worse, I got lost trying to get myself back...*sigh* It was really bad. But I've discovered a new skill of mine: I can take a simple 10 minute drive and turn it into an hour-long escapade through the ghetto. FRICK!!!
I dunno why, but for some reason I'm not all that pumped about Thanksgiving this year... I mean yeah, an escape from tasteless, nutritionless, ultra-processed animal by-product dorm food will be most welcome. [You have no idea!] But as for the family aspect... I dunno. It's not the same as it used to be back in the day. My horde of cousins and I playing football in the grandparents backyard, swinging from the branches of a huge willow tree, tormenting the little bratty neighbor girl and finding all sorts of interesting uses for whipped cream... Well, my horde of cousins has since dwindled. I've lost them either to jail, to the fact they've moved, or to the fact that drugs have killed so many of their brain cells that they don't recognize their family anymore. My grandparents have moved, and the huge willow tree has been cut down. And even whipped cream seems to have lost the magic it once held for me. I know we're supposed to embrace change, but frankly, when it comes to Thanksgiving, change can kiss my pasty white ass. Thanksgiving was sacred. Screw the turkey, screw the divine stuffing my mom makes, screw the Husker football... I want my family back. FRICK!!!
Have a great turkey day all y'all!!!
• • • • •
I don't BELIEVE this!!! The fourth stall is broken! BROKEN! For the love of Bob...
• • • • •
It's amazing how fast relationships shift and change when you're in college...
For example, my bathroom stall of choice originally was the second stall from the door. I quickly learned, however, that EVERYONE preferred that stall, so wishing to avoid the mass amount of butt germs, I ritually began to use the first stall. When people walk in the door, no one even thinks to use the first stall! That went well for a few weeks, until people caught on to me, and then the first stall was equally popular. The fifth stall is absolutely out of the question; I know for a fact that this one girl down the hall uses the fifth stall everytime she has to go number two, and her number two's are quite ranky. So now I have formed special bond with the fourth stall...
I'm officially the frickin master of slacking. I had a world lit test on the Canterbury Tales and Dante's Inferno... haha YEAH I didn't read a single word of either of them and still aced the test. Booyah.
• • • • •
YES! The rumors are true! I...*sob*... have not updated in an obscenely long amount of time. But I have resolved to change my ways. Instead of doing something USEFUL and RESPONSIBLE I vow to spew my incoherent thoughts once more. And so, the rambling continues!!!
By the way, I've noticed my old entries are not archiving. Like, at all... I started this thingy in August for Bob's sake. Aren't they supposed to archive by themselves?!?!?! *stews in her own incompetence*
Basement mural update: Oh it looks LOVELY! But I'm noticing this is going to require a shite-load of time. I spent a whole day on it and haven't even fully completed one wall yet. My feelings on this new revelation: AGAGAHAHGAHAHAGAGAGAGAAAAA!!!!
I wrote this today on a random spurt of creativity:
I look out my third story dorm window into the courtyard of the college campus below me. The sun seems absurdly bright; compensating for the cold air it knows it cannot conquer during these bitter fall months. There is a girl standing on top of the stairs near the cafeteria, scantily dressed, pretending that her bare skin is not cold in the chill wind. And there, talking to her, is a young man with hair that looks like it was carefully rumpled this morning, who is pretending that he is not totally checking out her ass. My goodness, he has a gorgeous smile. My goodness, she has a huge ass. I continue watching them as they slowly start down the stairs together; I pretend that he is my boyfriend, and she is my archenemy, and I pretend I derive a sort of sick pleasure from witnessing his scandalous unfaithfulness. His coat is brown corduroy and equally rumpled as his hair. Her stomach forms a tiny bulge over the top of her low-slung pants. I'm practicing how I will break up with him. They are laughing now; his eyes have moved up from her ass to her chest. She is pretending to be appalled at something he has just said. As they don't look up to my window in a mixture of guilt and accusation, I pretend that I exist. The girl is leaving now. He pinches her ass in goodbye, and she prances away, long hair flouncing behind her and excess belly jiggling with each step. He watches her go for a minute, then sits in one of the courtyard benches and rumples his hair with both hands. Feeling my eyes on him, he glances up to a third story window, but the glare from an absurdly bright sun prevents him from seeing the girl there who pretends she exists.
• • • • •
Things have been so crazy lately! Which is surprising considering I haven't any school this week (a big fat HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA [complete with spittle] to all you suckers still in school!) Well, naturally nothing INTERESTING has been going on. Just "stuff", but a whole hell of a lot of it.
Out of the Ordinary: Been painting my basement! Had some bonding time with the good ol' best friend last night; painting together, eating whipped cream, talking about nasty stuff. *evil grin* I'm doing a muriel (how the bloody is that spelled???) Whatever. It's a big picture of a forest. It'll be pretty spiffy when it's all done. :D
Well I'm going to go SLEEP. I tell ya, that stuff is like gold.
• • • • •
Oh yeah, Hi Maggie and Bradley!!! I miss you guys! :)
• • • • •
Yeeeee!!! I have only to survive tomorrow before it is fall break!!!! Bliss!!! And I plan to spend the whole week TOTALLY unconsious!
• • • • •
Tests are coming out my ass! AHHHH stress!!!!!!!
• • • • •
Stream of Consiousness
Uncensored Ramblings of a Maniac
Too tired to think or write coherently. My cramps are so bad. I had ice cream three times today. Ha. I am such a freaking pile. I'm on the phone so this might be kind of fragmented. Ah this is such a joke. I'm such a joke. But that's okay... I mean... people like jokes, right? So we drove all the way out to Super Targhetto the other day to stalk my ex-TaeKwonDo instructor. Apparently he's getting MARRIED. Damn bastard. Damn hot bastard. But anyways, he wasn't there (damn bastard) but I discovered GUM IN A BOX! Yeah, it's amazing! It comes in this convenient little plastic box thingy so you don't have to worry about wrappers or those paper packages getting all grody and mangled in your pocket or purse... Seriously, this is freaking amazing. I spent my entire $4 on those suckers. Carnations are so ugly. Really, why on earth would someone spend money on that crap? But I guess they're nice when people buy them for you. Then you know they're thinking of you. *sigh* No, I seriously can't get over this gum in a box. Ha, I almost typed "hair in a box" cuz my roomate is talking about hair. Hmm... should be studying for philosophy. Philosophy has inspired me. I had this really deep thought the other day, but then I forgot it. It's sort of refreshing to think meaningful and deep things. But you know, I'd still rather be sleeping a deep sleep. Instead of thinking a deep think. I'm so lazy. I love the smell of starch. So I was talking to Jacq on MSN and I said: "If I could turn my computer into a human for a day, I would. Just so I could smack it around a little bit and hear it say "ow ow ow!!!!!" and beg me for mercy!" Hehe. I like that. I don't think caffeine really works. What a scam. Bloody hell.
• • • • •
On a random impulse, I decided to take up guitar. And for once the fates conspired in my favor, because lo and behold my brother randomly decided to give me his very nice electric (Ibanez!). All I had to do was restring it, tune it, and buy a strap. Which turned out to be very easy cuz I was looking particularly hot on the day I went to the music store, and the guy working there did it all for me for free. *big fat grin* I'm feeling fat and sassy! (haha, that one's for you, Jacq). I'm basically teaching myself, but Kathy is taking lessons so she can kind of help me feel my way through the dark. It's like the blind leading the blind, but hey. Eyesight is overrated. I've been working on plucking out the chords to "Let it Be". I'm determined for that to be my first song. Right now it sounds like butt.
I read this thing in the paper about how Dave Barry had published the number to a telemarketing agency, and they got so many phone calls they had to disconnect their number... hehe....
The Thing is worse.
• • • • •
"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?..." Liz Phair
I'm so confused! Eh, but what else is new. I want to write about The Thing (as I have so cleverly encoded it), but it's the same old story. A hundred billion people have lived it a hundred billion times before and written about it a hundred billion times and bored a hundred billion people with their stories. This is nothing new or original. I still want to write about it though... I want to write about it, I want to scream about it, I want to cry and go completely beserk over it. In fact, the thing I want most is someone I can actually talk to about it. Someone who could listen and not judge and maybe see through all the filth and slime to realize that I'm just a person like everyone else, someone who would share the burden of this secret...
But no one will listen. That's all right. I can't think of what to say anyways.
• • • • •
"Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care, right?"
• • • • •
I have eaten more granola today than I have collectively in the span of my entire life.
• • • • •
Yeah, that last entry was just about something totally enexpected which, after a year of lying dormant, decided to explode into my life again. Most sane people would argue it's something I should be happy about, but no one has ever accused me of being like those sane people. Besides, how good can it be when I am too ashamed to describe it in my own blog??? Bloody hell. But anyway, yeah, I'm fine overall. Don't pay too much mind to those dramatic entries. :)
Well, today has been a good day!! I got my favorite shower this morning AND no one flushed any toilets while I was using it so I even got hot water to boot. And at breakfast this morning, they had TATER TOTS and I somehow exerted the self-control to not gorge myself on them (yay for Candice!) and even though I did absolutely none of my Theology homework last night, Murphy's Law Of Quizzes did not apply to today's class. [For those who aren't in the know: Murphy's Law of Quizzes states that they will NEVER occur when you are prepared and ONLY on that day when you did not read what you were supposed to the night before.] And I got mail today too!!! Granted, it was only some thingy about the Gay-Straight Alliance... but mail is mail, says I.
Oh and here's some happy news. I tore my quadricep!!! BLOODY FREAKING HELL!!!!! Yeah, so supposedly I'm supposed to refrain from strenuous physical activity (including TaeKwonDo) for THREE months. *facial expression of complete and total horror* Ha, yeah, as if that's really gonna happen. Three months!?!? I develop ulcers and brain hemmorages if I miss a single class. (And ulcers and hemmorages are a bit more serious than a measely torn quad, I would suspect). This isn't happening. I have a tournament this Saturday and I'm preparing for my black belt testing... *sob*
• • • • •
Okay. So I've been in college for roughly a month now, give or take, and in this relatively small amount of time my entire life has completely errupted into a chaotic quagmire of disarray and MUCK! I look in the mirror, and I don't even recognize myself anymore (and that's when I have the courage at all to even try and look myself in the eye). I disapprove of everything I do, I disapprove everything I don't do (mainly homework or anything else responsible would fit into that category), I disapprove of everything I say, I disapprove of the subhuman I've become...
I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I feel like I took a 15 minute nap and woke up to find I actually slept seven centuries away (and even after 700 years of sleep, I'm still tired!) I'm in so many situations and I dont even remember how I got there; I'm living so many lies and I don't even remember the truth anymore. My old repressed nightmares are resurfacing; I'm drowning in old memories and in present illusions and I don't remember what it was like to once want to be saved. I don't remember what it was like to want anything at all.
• • • • •
To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla
• • • • •
Instead of an Invincible Bug From Hell, I battled the Invincible Ignoramus Who Needs to Pull His Head Out From His Ass today. We'll just lovingly term him IIWNPHHOFHA for short. So IIWNPHHOFHA and I got stuck in the same small group in World Literature to discuss the story of Gilgamesh. We were supposed to decide whether he was selfish or not. Okay, I don't know if you've read it or not (if you're lucky, you've escaped it's grasp) but the dude is a total bastard. I mean, maybe it's a cultural thing or something, I don't really know nor do I care. It just majorly chaps my ass when you have a guy who is super strong and super beautiful and 2/3 god (yeah, 2/3. How'd that all work out?!) and he's the most powerful king in the world... and yet he INSISTS on being a royal bastard!!!! Raping and over-taxing and the like... UGH. I think if you're given that much power and that much wealth, you have a flippin responsibility to your fellow people. SO ANYWAY. IIWNPHHOFHA is trying to tell me Gilgamesh is not selfish, he's a changed man... whatever dude. So we get in this huge ass argument (haha, he looked real funny with that vein bulging from his neck). Yeah, it was pretty intense. And I'm STILL pissed off!!!!!!!
But anyways. Aside from that. College is just peachy fine and swell. I am leaving tomorrow afternoon for TaeKwonDo camp (yay! a whole weekend of sleep-deprivation, lactic acid overload, and general torture!) so you won't hear from me in a few. I know. Be strong.
• • • • •
I battled the Invincible Bug From Hell today. There he lurked, in my sink, festering in the essence of his own evilness. [cue women wailing and gnashing teeth] Until I, a warrior of brave soul and virgin blood, challenged the lordship he had claimed over the domain of my sink. [cue sexy young men applauding wildly] With one deft movement I turned on the hot-water faucet, releasing a torrent of scalding, merciless waters to sweep my enemy into the mysterious gaping sink-drain abyss. I stood, swaying wearily, regarding the spot he had once fouled with his wicked presence and relishing in my victory. But alas! How soon I forget that Invincible Bugs From Hell are indeed that: invincible. He determinedly crawled up through the drain; fiery fury was evident in his multifaceted eyes and his demeanor seemed to bellow "Yes mortal, I will devour your soul!!!"
Drastic times call for drastic measures. I fixed my steely gaze upon this Invincible Bug From Hell and brandished my all-powerful weapon which strikes fear into the exoskeletons of even the most fearsome insects: [cue suspenseful and ominous music]... The Kleenex. I can weild The Kleenex with unmatched skill only one who suffers from severe allergies can possess. It gleamed white with power and double-ply strength; shrieking my battle cry I brought it down ruthlessly and smote my enemy, crushing his body into the porcelain wall of my sink. Finally. I alone dueled with the Evil which had once gripped the world. I alone had emerged victorious from a battle with an impossible foe. I alone had restored balance to the world and returned Earth to its purest state. I alone... what is this??? He's still moving?!?!
I recognize defeat when I see it. I hung my head in shame as my roommate daintily placed his writhing body in a ziplock baggie and proceeded to throw it away. Fool of a mortal. Little does she know that her solution was temporary; we will never be rid of The Invincible Bug From Hell. Never. And so I await his return with resolve in my heart and vengeance in my eye. I am waiting, oh Invincible one. I am ready.
• • • • •
Finally got set up here in the dorm... WOOHOO! Unlimited food. Except I am determined to beat the freshman fifteen [mucho sadness] so I like, never eat. Classes are okay. I've promised myself to be in bed by 10:30 everynight [HA!] but that most certainly hasn't happened. I've made a few of the classic freshman blunders already, but I got a cute sophomore to talk to me, so it's all good. I'm always tired and always busy and my dorm room smells like fruit-loops and my gay friend is coming soon so I gotta jet. Later alligator!
• • • • •
Are the eyes of a poet
Like a painter's eyes?
When each gazes into the horizon
Do they see the same sunrise?
One colors with pens and words
The other uses paint and brushes
But in both hearts there dwells an art and
the raw inspiration from which it gushes
Does he paint to the rhythm
Of the writer's rhymes?
Do her words hold the power
His paintings have to mesmerize?
What would a poet give
To gaze into a painter's eyes?
--by me. don't laugh! i'm still working on it
• • • • •
Quote of the Day
Molly: What are you doing?
Jacq: Blowing smoke rings... out ma butt
I spent the night at Jacq's house last night. Whereas most hosts are content to shove Easy Mac down the throats of their guests, Jacq and her mom made me an authentic Japanese dinner!!! Soooooo goooooooooood. I ate like a hobbit. I had such a good time; it's been so long since I've been able to really talk to someone like that, and even longer since they've actually listened. *smile* (And sucking so bad at Devil May Cry that the game gave me the option of "Easy Mode" was pretty rad too...)
I'm kind of freaked out by the fact that I have only two nights left to sleep in my bed. Well, technically the floor of my bedroom, because I've piled the crap so high on my bed I haven't slept on it in four days anyways. But yeah. I'm moving out. Um... yikes?! I suppose this is my cue to grow up, huh...
"For the love of God and all that is holy! My anus is bleeding!!!" -The Rejected Don Hertzfeldt
• • • • •
Satisfactory day today. Woke up early and worked out. Babysat the Little Bastard. Took the Boonerizer to see Pirates of the Caribbean (third time for me! I'm thinking I might have to invest in getting a life. Someday.) Worked more on packing. Played on the computer. Resisted the urge to eat an entire angel food cake. TaeKwonDo. Frolicking in the rain after TaeKwonDo in the parking lot. Came home. Ate an entire angel food cake.
You know what would make me really happy? Yeah, neither do I.
"I think we've all reached a very good place spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically..." -Captain Jack Sparrow, POTC
• • • • •
Candice's New Pick-up Line. Success Rate: 100%. Guaranteed you'll get picked-up... and then possibly thrown at a brick wall...
I'm wearing a thong.
Two of them.
...on my feet.
• • • • •
This is me and my first mate, Kathy, right after my graduation. Awwww! :) We both look sort of posessed... but it still just makes me smile. So you'd better be smiling too. SMILE, DAMN IT!
There and Back Again...
Kathy and I biked from Council Bluffs to Mineola and then back. Though it was hotter than a feverish monkey's crack, that was probably the best day of my life. We rode the 11 miles to Mineola chattering away about LOTR and bursting into random rounds of the song "The Road Goes Ever On and On..." Which is very fitting, because the trail looks like a scene right out of Middle Earth. When I close my eyes, my bike suddenly becomes a horse of Rohan; the wind is whipping through my hair and I can almost hear the elves singing.... Until I blindly plow into a bicyclist heading in the other direction [Disclaimer: Not good for your health. Do no attempt] Once in Mineola we sat on the steps of a closed bank eating our sandwiches and plums, and watching the comings and goings of the small-town folk. The sun was gently sliding below the horizon; lost in silence and contemplation as the darkness slowly crept upon us, we realized Oh shit, we still have the 11 miles back to ride...
I do not recommend riding your bike in the middle of a forested, mosquito-infested Nowhere in pitch dark. Two words: SCARED SHITLESS. I just about peed my pants. We sang "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" over and over until we were safely back in her truck, nervously giggling and insisting to each other "Scared?! Aw no, I wasn't scared. Heh. That was fun! Yeah. A real hoot. In fact, we should do it again...like, in 50 years..."
It's a good thing I was so sweaty, because then my wet shorts didn't seem so suspicious. ;)
• • • • •
Quote of the Day
brought to you compliments of me 'atie Paul. The Force is strong with this one.
"But a few fucking wannabe ass wipes who couldn't get into film school, makes me want to go to McDonalds with an AK47. They sit around trying to justify everything, and everyone's trying to outdo everyone else... it's like one big wankfest..."
Brilliant. Frightfully brilliant, those Brits.
• • • • •
I wore my bandana pirate-style today, and donned some big silver hoop earrings. I thought I looked like a marvellous pirate, but everyone else insisted I just looked like white trailer trash. Pfff. I scoff at these mortals.
Candice's Guide to Getting Ostracized by Your Neighbors
Every decent pirate has a parrot. Unfortunately, my parrot is stuck in the body of a morbidly obese squirrel... ANYWAY. I went out in my front yard to feed said squirrel, but alas! My furry little buddy was nowhere to be found. So I called for her: "HEY!!! I GOT NUTS!!! I GOT SOME REALLY BIG NUTS FOR YA!!!! NUTS! COME GET MY NUTS!!! COME ON BABY!!" ... Just when I noticed my [tragically attractive] neighbor staring at me as if my eyeball had just shot out of my eye socket and landed with a sickly plop on his shoe... Of course, I tried to explain I meant nuts of the almond persuasion... ALMONDS!! ALMONDS, DAMN IT! But by that time he was already sufficiently traumatized and will probably shun me forever now.
• • • • •
To Whom It May Concern
You are beautiful, you are witty, you are charming... but I see through your facade. I see your self-centeredness, your manipulativeness, your phoniness, your greed, your lack of compassion, your arrogance, your damn superiority complex. Your Dark Side. And I'm the only one who has seen it. I carry your secret.
You are not what you seem. Your only true passion is for yourself, the only cause you ever promote is yourself, your only hobby is yourself, your only true friend is...
me. You walk all over me; you suck the life out of me. I'm ready to tell you I'm through with you. I'm ready to finally stand up for myself and tell you to go blow goats in your backyard for all I care, you dirty son of a bastard. But I won't. I can't. I'll always be here. You know I could never abandon you to this harsh world; I could never lay bare all your insecurities and then strip you of the only person in this world who truly deeply cares. I'm already feeling better writing this to you, even though I know you'll never read it. I love you. Always.
"...instead of setting it free I took what I hated and made it a part of me..." -Linkin Park
• • • • •
Wow, that was a close one. I almost made plans to have a disgustingly productive day today. I pat myself on my lazy-ass back for brilliantly weasling my way out of it... though getting high off the paint fumes could have been fun....
I was reading through one of my old blogs. It was actually sort of amusing...
December 3, 2002
CHECK! IT! OUT!!! I totally forgot about this blogging craze I went thru back in the day, but then that phantasmagoric phase in my life was brought back to mind when I visited my old stomping grounds, TLGA (it's a website @ geocities) and all them in the guestbook were talking about theirs. Haha, look how far ahead of the game I was! ... er... yes yes I realize I haven't blogged in, oh um, well, *counts on fingers* about 8 months... but just give me a few days and I'll figure out how to explain that temporary reprieve as a political statement against, well, something. (gaw)
Well today has been utterly blissful. Only a half day of school. My favorite bandana is clean and wrapped lovingly about my head. I had this weird microwavable chicken-rice stuff for lunch, and I figured out that I can watch "The Fellowship of the Ring" at least once before work, and maybe (if I inject myself with caffeine) once after work tonight. Also I came to the startling discovery that if you take the word Frood and rearrange the letters, you get Frodo! Classic! I classify it as a good day.
Once again I have made my mark upon this impressionable globe. I've been interviewed for the school newspaper! WOO FREAKING HOO! And what should have only been 15 minutes of fame has turned into an eternity of nostalgia because the journalism teacher thought my smart-aleck responses to the interview were so reviving and fresh that this article is going in the yearbook. I find it interesting however. My interviewee was so overly fascinated by the fact that I drive a mini-van. Seriously, half of this article is devoted to that infamous '96 Chrysler Town and Country with a horrible paint job and wind sheild wipers that go off every time I take a sharp curve. FINE! LAUGH! But you are missing out on one fine pimping experience, let me tell ya!
All right kids. I'm out.
PS> Have you looked up "phantasmagoric" yet? ;) lol. it's ok. i don't know what it means either. :P
Yeah, uh... wow. I was a nerd.
Who am I kidding. I still am. *grin*
• • • • •
So I had this bizarro dream last night. That picture is me and my little bro from my cousin's wedding about two weeks ago. So in my dream, we're at the wedding, but the day before the wedding an evil dictator who looked like a bald, one-eyed David Spade had taken over the world. Needless to say, we were minorly depressed. [And for some odd reason, Orlando Bloom was lying on the floor of the church with a bunch of torches around him; it was understood he was a valiant warrior in the resistance against the mutated David Spade.] The wedding begins, but I had to pee like a monkey. As I am leaving the church to go to the bathroom, Mutant David Spade is hiding in the corner waiting to abduct Orlando Bloom. I'm like, "I can't let this bastard get to Orli... but I can't use my superior martial arts skills either because I'm in this long dress... and it's such a gross pale yellow!" I love the logic one uses in dreams. So I duct-taped him to the wall; he was very pleasant about the whole ordeal. If I had to have an evil mutant dictator, I'd want it to be him. Wonderful dream. David Spade is a foxy man... even when he's bald and wearing an eye-patch.
Other than that, I am soooo sick of being poked and prodded by doctors. They've drawn enough of my blood to feed a small nation of leeches, and they've certainly prodded around my delicate areas enough. You know, it's hard enough being a girl without having to endure this! Haha, I was talking to Joel about the whole issue of breasts. I mean, they're quite useless to us females. Since men get all the kicks outta feeling those suckers, why don't they have to wear them around all day?! HUH!? It would solve so many problems. And then dads would have to stick around to breast-feed their little chillins. Well I suppose they'd have to outlaw milk-formulas and bottles first... Forget David Spade. I think I'd make a lovely evil mutant dictator of the world.
After all, I do have a mutation in my mouth. Maybe if you're nice to me I'll tell you what it is.
• • • • •
Okay, my [ancient as hell] computer is spazzing out major, so bear with me folks. For some reason I can't get into hotmail or a whole host of other blasted sites so... standby... or something. I'll come back someday... :(
• • • • •
This morning, the powerful muse of insanely-early exercise seized me and I went for a bike ride around the lake. My goodness, it was gorgeous. The sun was just rising and spreading its golden rays into the violet sky, glittering on the tumultuous waves of the lake. As my muscles worked, my legs gleamed like a brilliant beacon of snowy purity, blazing through the fading morning, reflecting off the water below me, and rivaling the intensity of the sun...
In short, I am in dire need of a tan...
I am the genetic freak of my family. My brothers are tall, slender, and the perfect shade of bronze. Whereas I am short, of a more sturdy build, and as for my skin color... well, let's just say they call me "Candice! The other white meat!" A thousand curses. And thousand curses and one big resounding bloody hell.
Other than that, I'm out. I love you all, I really do. [Some of you more than others. *wink*]
• • • • •
Got some dorm room stuff today. Yeah, Bastard Elder decided it would be remarkably intelligent of him to donate all the dorm stuff that I already had to Goodwill. BRILLIANT! That's just so bloody BRILLIANT I think I'll bust an artery. Other than that, I just packed up my room... they haven't invented a device yet to measure the obscenely massive amount of totally random and useless CRAP I have stored away in there. I mean, come on! Sugar packets from Britain?! My best friend brought them back for me to prove they do indeed speak English there. Well... I mean... you never know...
Bored? Sure you are. That's why you're HERE. (Don't try to deny it now, I'm on to you, punk). Well, here's the ultimate cure for boredom. Seriously, this guy is freaking hilarious and a freaking half.
So here I am trying to think of something to write in my blog... I already wrote about what I did today. So I said to myself, "Self, why don't write about something intriguing you thought about today?" ... Uhhh... right? That's assuming I thought anything at all. That's when it hit me! I've done it! I have acheived going through an entire day without thinking a single thought! Not one! I mean, you can't really count thoughts like "I wish I hadn't hidden the yogurt from The Supreme Bastard, because now I can't find it and the refrigerator has the distinct odor of rancid dairy..." Those aren't really thoughts; they're more like instinct. So... yeah. I didn't think at all today! I should celebrate or something. Maybe I'll eat an extra ice cream bar.
• • • • •
1) what's on your bedside table?
a roll of toilet paper, some pictures, and japanese tea cup, hair clips
2) what's the geekiest part of your music collection?
uhhh... probably my star wars sound tracks
3) what do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
4) what is your secret "guaranteed weeping" film?
While You Were Sleeping
5) if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
6) do you have a completely irrational fear? if so, of what?
no... all my fears are fairly rational
7) what is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
if i told you I'd have to kill you
8) do you ever have to beg?
9) do you have too many love interests?
uh. yeah. but the part that really sucks is the fact that none of them exist...
10) do you know anyone famous?
not really, no
11) describe your bed.
full size. big 6-foot long fish pillow. Beatles blanket. never neatly made.
12) spontaneous or plan?
13) who should play you in a movie about your life?
bloody hell, a movie on my life?? puh-lease
14) do you know how to play poker?
15) do you like to color?
16) how do you drive?
like a grandma out of hell
17) what do you miss most about being little?
whaddaya mean? i'm still little!
18) are you happy with your given name?
sure, it's all right. it means "white", and I sure fit that description.
19) what was the last song you were listening to?
that one song where he keeps singing "Think twice 'fore ya touch my girl"
20) have you ever been in a school play?
22) do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
sure why not
23) have you ever done any illegal drugs?
24) do you think you're cute?
sometimes i suppose
25) do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
• • • • •
You know what. That picture of me up there... is really ugly. Sometimes I wish I actually looked like I belonged to the human species. I really wouldn't mind giving up my uncanny ability to communicate with squirrels. I really wouldn't.
Damn, I hate that picture.
• • • • •
Lord of the Rings!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
whoa, didn't see THAT one coming
• • • • •
I hate girls who are absolutely gorgeous and don't even try. And just when you accept your own mental abilities, these beautiful girls casually prove to you that they have the brains of GENIUSES under their thick lustrous hair. Not only are they SMART and PRETTY but they are also freaking HILARIOUS. You'd think being smart and pretty and funny would take up all their energy... alas no! They also manage to be kind. Not only to small children and the environment, but to YOU as well, which puts you in the awkward position of wanting to punch them in their perfectly formed noses and hug them all at the same time. The real kicker is when you get three of them together so they can all talk about their scathingly hot boyfriends and shoot pitying glances at your fat single ass.
Well. I rode my bike from Coucil Bluffs to Shennandoah. Roughly 45 miles. That doesn't help the fact that my ass is single, but it sure isn't so fat.
Do you ever lock gazes with an [attractive] stranger, gazing deeply into their amazing brown eyes, to find that you simply cannot break this rare and fleeting connection? You can see it in their eyes that this person understands; they are the type of person who likes the moon best when it is low in the sky and who believes in love at first sight. They know, they feel, they connect... But then the traffic light inevitably turns green and you are left with the empty sort of feeling you get when you know you will never see your best friend again. "All that once was is now lost..."
• • • • •
You are Agent Smith, from "The Matrix."
No one would ever want to run into you in a
dark alley. Cold as steel, tough as a rock,
things are your way or the highway.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
well. color me surprised.
• • • • •
I got some sunglasses. The tag said they were $9.99, but they rung up to be something like $16.01. Bloody hell.
• • • • •
My "posse" threw a birthday party for me. They got me a Wolverine bobble-head and a red-velvet cake with little cookies on it that had little messages like "Do you believe in Elves?" Haha. I think they meant of the Keebler persuasion. But I of course prefer to think of them of the Orlando Bloom persuasion. We got some chow from Sonic *shivering with delight* and then took our little caravan down to Zorinsky lake. Good times. After the infamous mutilation of the Happy Birthday song [authored by myself], a few ketchup bombs, an engagement announcement, and having 3 pints of my blood sucked out by bastard mosquitos, we decided to pack it up and move it to my basement. Again, good times. Until we spent a good chunk of time discussing animal death stories and then we found out Adam has to put his dog down... Uhhh. Whoops. Open mouth, insert foot.
• • • • •
My brothers are driving me INSANE! They're egocentric, ungrateful, crude, irritating bastards. In fact, the only thing that keeps me from going beserk on their scrawny little asses is my private little nickname system for them. I call them Bastard Elder, The Supreme Bastard, and Little Bastard. So when one of them is acting particularly like a little fartknocker I just say to myself, "Well what can you expect from the Supreme Bastard?" It sounds schizo, but it really helps.
Take, for instance, today. Bastard Elder had to be to work at 4:30, so I rush to get home from my errands to take the ungrateful creep to work... TWENTY MINUTES out of my way. And I don't get paid anything out of his paycheck for this, I just get the opportunity to waste gas. Anyway, I tell Bastard Elder its time to go but he's poking around and wasting so much time, and then he acts all pissy with me on the drive there... I would love to gouge his eyes out and spoon-feed them to him. All of the Bastards! They ALL are so ENRAGING! I'm always cleaning up their messes, driving them places, putting up with them farting on each other, sharing a bathroom that they defile with their crusty razors and dirty underwear and other miscellanous unidentified grossnesses... And the Bastards can't even be civil with me. They're LOUD and RUDE and they get PIZZA all over the carpet that I spent FOUR hours getting THEIR soda stains out of... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What's equally enraging is the fact that my parents seem to be completely oblivious to all of this. If they DO notice, they certainly aren't making any efforts to improve the situation. Bloody hell.
On another note, chocolate cigars aren't very good. At least not for smoking. While you're trying to puff away on the thing, you have to fight back the urge to just take a huge bite out of it. I can't blow smoke rings.
• • • • •
Got my drivers liscense! WOO! I no longer am confined to driving within the hours of 6am and midnight. Damn Nebraska bastards. Not that I actually followed those rules anyway. But I gotta tell ya, when I'd be driving around at 5:30am, I'd get paranoid as hell that every set of headlights was a cop just waiting to pounce...
My new drivers liscence picture is horrid.
• • • • •
And this just in. Steal this, and prepare to be painfully disemboweled (...not that I know of any way to disembowel someone other than painfully).
Someday I will get the raindrops out of my heart
And I will catch the silence on the breeze
I will tuck my mistakes safely in the past
And conquer my disease
When the thunder recedes into the distance
When the calm replaces the sorrow
The sun will live in my eyes
And I will live in tomorrow
Someday the storm clouds will softly withdraw
And take with them all the grey
Until then I cling to the faint hope
That I will yet see Someday
• • • • •
Happy Birthday Candice, have a shrink...
Well, here it is. The anniversary of my hatching. The big one-eight. And I haven't done anything that an 18 year-old should do. I haven't renewed my drivers liscense or registered to vote or bought cigarettes and porn... I did go to the gym and smiled sweetly at the cute guy who took my card and wished me a happy birthday. I drove frantically to the store to buy bandaids for my mom when she sliced a chunk off her finger. I showered. I visited my psychiatrist for the first time. (It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be; she just asked a lot of questions and told me what we all knew: that I'm friggin' lunatic). I helped make cudaruni (Italian pizza) and then stained my pants while eating said pizza. I went to TaeKwonDo, got blinded by the sun on the drive home, talked to a few people on the phone, did some dishes, and am now listening to Seinfeld as I type.
I really don't mind laid-back birthdays. I'd rather not make a big deal of it, ya know?
And this is an excerpt from my [hand-written and private] journal. Yeah, the journal I never let anyone read. So consider yourself lucky. *wink*
"But I don't know, my life just seems so pointless right now. A real waste. I'm stuck in a rut. I do pretty much the same thing everyday. Sure, my life is peppered with things out of the ordinary, such as getting meatball stuck up my nose *ahem*... but things like that are just as meaningless as the routine parts of my life. I generally like to start my day with waking up, and then after there it goes downhill. I might shower, I might dress (but don't count on it). Then I binge, then I feel guilty about the bingeing and I engage in rigorous exercise to make up for it. Then I lay around, I might do some miscellaneous chore, take a nap, go to TaeKwonDo, hang out with some friends, maybe start some lame project I will never finish... It has no point!!! I'm not helping anyone. I'm not improving anything that matters. I'm just... here. I want to help someone. But who? I want to improve something. But how? Well, I'm hoping college will open some doors like that for me. I've been a waste my whole life; never contributing anything. And I'm bloody tired of it. I'm so frusterated. I'm willing to work, I just don't know where or how to get started.
And I want to write something USEFUL! I want to inspire! I want to encourage! I want to provoke thought! I want to mirror the more subtle aspects of life! I want to entertain! But everytime I try, my words are dry and dull. Instead of conveying what I want them to, they leap out at me declaring my inadequacies and ripping apart my ideas. Why do I have this desire to write, but no skills?"
• • • • •
Whew! I've gotten a lot more done on my blog. Spent several hours on it. (Not easy on my poor undergrown attention span). On one hand, I suppose I'm feeling very accomplished. On the other hand, you have five fingers.
Regardless, I think I'm going to bed. Enough for one day. Enough to make Lisa proud. =)
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Two notable events: 1). the creation of this blog! My trés awesome bud Lisa helped me get it all set up and such. I called her back yesterday, and she was surprised I did because apparently I'm the only person she knows who calls people back! Well, I do when I remember, but generally what happens is I forget until a week later, at which point I call whoever back, apologize profusely, and swear my life in servitude to them... to which they usually respond, "Oh... I didn't know you were supposed to call me back!" On one hand it's refreshing to be let off the hook, but I'm still sort of pissed they aren't camping out by their phone, clutching a picture of me to their hearts, and anxiously awaiting my call.
2). This notable event is... less pleasant. Yesterday was the celebration of my brother's birtday. While pretending to be thoroughly interested in what was going on, I choked on a meatball and somehow got several large chunks of it stuck in my nasal passage. Yeah. This could only happen to me. It took over 10 minutes of blowing my nose to get it all out. You've got to admit, that's pretty impressive. Disgusting, but impressive. I couldn't let an event like that go unmentioned.
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nothing really to say except that ARAGORN IS A FOX!
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